Shedding Expectations of Who You Should Be — A Trans Reading of Esau

In honor of Transgender Day of Remembrance, we were honored to welcome special guest drasher Avery Komlofske to our Virtual Friday Night Shabbat service on November 17th. Avery is a graduate of Mishkan’s conversion and affirmation program, Blueprint, and he related his experiences of transitioning and converting to the gendered trials and tribulations of Esau in this week's parsha. Rabbi Steven also led us in the Mourner’s Kaddish for all we have lost this year to acts of transphobic violence.

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Produced by Mishkan Chicago. Music composed, produced, and performed by Kalman Strauss.

Transcript

Transcript

Rabbi Steven Philp:
So one of the great joys that I get to have as a rabbi is I get to teach some pretty extraordinary people. And in teaching, I actually ended up learning so much for that from them, that they become my teachers in turn. And so I'm very excited to introduce to all of you, Avery, who is one of our blueprint students last year who just joined the Jewish people this summer, and we are so much better for having him as part of our people as part of our community. And he's going to share some words of Torah this evening. I'm really excited for all of you to get to sit at his feet. As I've also gotten to over this past year to Avery I hand it over to you.

Avery:
Thank you really appreciate it. Hi, everybody. You probably know me as Avery if you know me, but my name as a member of the Jewish people is riverain Ben Avraham Thisara. The name riverain means behold, a son, or as Rabbi Lizzi masterfully translates look, a boy. Over the last few years, I've been on two very important personal journeys. Not only have I been growing into my Jewishness, having finished my conversion in August of this year, but I've also been coming into myself as a transgender man. I chose riverain as a way to document both of these journeys together, not as distinct axes of identity, but as the two helixes that make up the DNA of the person I'm becoming. Turns out, there's a lot of overlap. If you met me six years ago, you would barely have met me. I hadn't met me yet. I was still clinging desperately, not only to my alleged womanhood, but to the last dregs of my Catholic faith. I was living in a cartoonish mascot suit, I was a caricature of the person I was raised to be. I don't know if you've ever tried to have a conversation with the person in a mascot suit, who refuses to break character. But I can't imagine it's a great way to form meaningful connections. I couldn't be real, couldn't be happy, couldn't make an impact on anyone around me until I took off that stupid suit. But to do that, I'd have to understand who was underneath it, I'd have to achieve my final form as a nice Jewish boy. I celebrated my five year anniversary of coming out to myself last week, I'm three years on hormones and almost two years since I got my top surgery. As my body started to take a shape that reflected me, I felt like I could finally connect with it. But honestly, I don't think I got all the way there until I thought of my body as a Jewish one. Judaism is an embodied religion is a phrase I've heard and said a lot. We fast on Yom Kippur war, we turn to greet the Shabbos bride, we stand in bow throughout our services, we touch our teeth to the Torah as it's carried through the space, we throw stones in the river for test Leach. Because leak we spell we smell the spices and feel the warmth of the candle for Havdalah. I could go on and on. We even have a blessing for using the bathroom. All of that makes us aware of how we're physical beings in the world. But it's more than that. Judaism has helped me remember that, as a physical being, I have an effect on the equally physical world around me. My journey as a trans man has given me a body and my journey as a Jew is teaching me how to use it. riverain is also the name of the first son of Jacob one of the subjects of this week's Torah portion. Upon reading now I found myself drawn not to Jacob but to Issa. I have found that sometimes when you're reading the Torah, you come across something that seems absolutely ridiculous on its face. I was really excited when I see moments like that because it usually means that there's something I'm missing. Why would he sow give his birthright to Jacob for a bowl of stew? Are we meant to assume that he's just that short sighted, just impulsive? That could be true, but it doesn't line up with what we see of him later in the story. After his little brother pretends to be him to get a blessing from their father, dripping himself in Furs to mimic esales thick body hair. Issa was ready to kill Jacob. He held back though, so you could take an appropriate time to mourn Isaac, their father's passing. That doesn't sound impulsive. There has to be more to it. By assumed Jews being who we are, that there were 100 More of us working through the same problem. So I started looking for their answers. The opinion that finally caught my interest came from a commentary book called Torah queries spelled qu E R. Where nonbinary Rabbi sorrow Lev suggested interpretation I'm embarrassed I didn't think of sooner. Maybe Esau wasn't tricked by his rumbling stomach and why we brother maybe on some level, he didn't want his birth right in the first place. Genesis 2528 says that Isaac preferred ie Sal because, quote, The hunt was in his mouth and quote, and that their mother, Rebecca, favorite, Jacob, there are a few interesting things in that verse. First, it's not totally clear whether that means Isaac's mouth or esales. Does he sell hunk because he cares about it or for his father's approval. To add to that the verse gives a reason for Isaac's favor, but not for Rebecca's. Her love for Jacob going by this verse is unconditional. The translation I read described Esalen not as just giving up but spurning his birthright. The one rabbi Psara excited use the even harsher word despised. It sounds to me less like Issa was so starving than a morsel of stew was just as good as his place as future head of the family. And well, if you'd rather be rid of that position than not. I can relate. I'm the eldest child in my family. My parents had a lot of expectations for me, and you can basically track my history by when and how spectacularly I failed to live up to them. Even when I did make them proud. The relief that I hadn't disappointed them was tinted with error that I wouldn't be able to keep it up, that I inevitably fall back into the land of not being what I was supposed to be. And coming out as trans I broke the biggest expectation possible. It was heartbreaking to watch my parents grieve for the version of me they'd imagined. But with that came a freedom I never thought I could feel. For the first time I was living a life I had crafted entirely for myself. I wasn't trying to follow any paths that had been set out for me, it couldn't. I was finally looking to myself, asking what I wanted, and living that life. I can imagine the pain ie Sal must have felt from failing to live up to his father's expectations. But I can also imagine the relief, knowing that responsibility was finally off his shoulders. He was trapped in masculinity. The same way I was trapped in my gender expectations. Jacob was the one literally wearing a costume but I think he saw was wearing one too. I think his firstborn patriarchal masculine presentation was as much a mascot suit as the one I wore before I came out to myself. We see Esau again later in Genesis, Jacob having finally left the lands of his father in law has to pass the land of sire where his brother lives. Understandably, Jacob is terrified that Esau will kill him, especially when he hears his brother is traveling with 400 men. Esau, though, there's no such thing. He embraces him weeps and attempts to reject the offerings Jacob brought to gain his favor because in his own words, he has enough. This is the real ESL, the one who has shed the expectations of who he should be, to be authentically himself, vulnerable, forgiving, able to love others and, most importantly, to love himself. Neither being trans nor Jewish is an easy thing to be. Right now. transphobia and anti semitism are thick in the air, it's nearly impossible to escape regular reminders of it. But I wouldn't trade either of those identities for anything. I've gotten to know so many of my closest friends because of the inherent solidarity and community we felt as queer people. And my journey into Judaism has helped me find a home in Mishcon. being queer, being Jewish, has expanded the world I can imagine. And that, in turn, has made me a better friend, a better partner, and a better community member. I know I'm very lucky. There are so many queer and Jewish people that are isolated, scared and unable to live their authentic lives. This coming Monday is transgender day of remembrance, and the losses my community has felt due to the oppression and violence inflicted upon us are palpable. But my people, queers and Jews alike, are resilient. I look to the strength of those that came before me. The people that stood tall as their authentic selves, when the threat posed by doing so was bigger and more immediate. And I know I carry the strength of that lineage. I also know that I carry its responsibility. My Jewish education has even given me a name for it and Tikun Olam, repairing the world. As marginalized people, we are acutely aware of the things that are wrong and the people that are being hurt. And that makes us the most galvanized to do something about it. If I can make the world just a little bit better through being loud about who I am, through care through community, I must and I take on that responsibility joyfully. I don't always do it perfectly, but I'm always prepared to try and I have amazing people in my life to back me up You all might know me as Avery if you know me, but my Hebrew name is riverain than Avraham fissara. riverain means behold a son. I am the son of a lineage of incredible trans people, queer people and Jewish people. I needed both journeys to become the person I am today, someone with powerful empathy and love and the drive to use that to heal the world in whatever way I can. For the first time in my life, I feel like I've really found myself like a sow, I felt the heavy pressure of expectation, and the pain and relief of not measuring up and like a sow, now, I have enough. Thank you for listening and Shabbat shalom.

Rabbi Steven Philp:  
Thank you very that's just see, I told you folks, truly, it's amazing to be able to hear the Torah that emerges. As people learn and grow and explore and fully step into the person who they were meant to be. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your inspiring words, your call to action. I think really found in the reminder that one of the most powerful things that we can do in these moments when we are faced with hate is to be even more unapologetically ourselves. As every mentioned, this Monday is transgender day of remembrance. It's a day of thinking of all of those who've lost their lives in the past year due to the violence against transgender people and gender nonconforming folks. So in a moment, we're gonna say the mourners Kaddish. But before we do, we're going to read the names of those who we know about in the United States who are killed because of their identity as a trans person in this past year. London price 26 Lisa love 35 and a Johnson 13. Dominic Dupree 25 China long 30 Yoko 30 Sherlyn Marjorie 35 Kylie Menolly 41 Luis and Hal DS Castro 22 Thomas Tom Tom Robertson 28 Divani Deray Johnson 28 Jacob Williamson, eight team Chanel Perez Ortiz 29 She a Davis 34 Benko brown 24 Rashida Williams 35 Ashley Burton 37 to see a woodland 18 to kita 26 che be Henderson 31 emanate we Tahoe zadt chi 26 Maria fer 22 Jasmine star Mac 36 unique banks 21. We think of all of those that we don't know about. And we've got vow to make their memories not only for a blessing but for our revolution as well as we fight to make this country in the world a safe place for everyone regardless of their gender expression or identity. A place that not only folks are safe also celebrated for being exactly who they're meant to be. The people that they're meant to emerge as into this world and the gifts that they bring that they uniquely share with each and every one of us. And we mourn the gifts that were taken away from us through violence through unnecessary violence with the death of these individuals. If you're also thinking of somebody tonight, whether you're in a period of mourning, or observing a yard site, we invite you to rise as you're able for Khadija Tom the mourners Kaddish you good ol Viet Kadesh shimmy rubber. They are Mandy Rath irritative and lift makuti by fire con with your makan of Hades a heartbeat is through our bag Allah with his man Korea Vietnam Rue a man you hate Haish may rob them of Iraq they'll learn or may or may. Yet Barak Mr. Bass deep RV it's from man Vietnamese say that you TADA VT la vie Talal Shan Mei decree Shabri Whoa, la ala Miko barefoot Saba Shirota to spiff WhatsApp and FMO damn Iran Belmar vim rule a man, your hash llama robber min Shemaiah the Haim la nouvelle coisa l be Maru And I'll say Shalom guru moth who yes say Shalom Lanie Val coisa owl they'll call you che to Val the Maru men